


Xenopsychology

by Anarchyopteryx



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Canon Compliant, Capslocked Soliloquy, Depression, Dream Analysis, Dreams, Gen, In Character, Insomnia, Karkat in therapy, Mental Illness, Psychology, Rose being a therapist, Rose is the psychologist it is her, Rose thinks Karkat is a case study, The Meteor, Therapy Session, anger management problems, flipping out in therapy, implied self harm, sleepy!Karkat, slightly sadstuck, talk therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-07
Updated: 2013-12-26
Packaged: 2017-12-31 11:45:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1031347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anarchyopteryx/pseuds/Anarchyopteryx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Intrigued by an irritable, suffering troll, Rose tries to help and learn from him. Mostly learn from him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is linked to another fic, but it can stand alone. I'm a bit dissapointed that I never see my two favorite characters interact, so I made this.
> 
> This takes place somewhere in Year 1, about a third of the way through it.
> 
> I know I write Karkat with competence, but I would like some input on how I write Rose. Successful? Unsuccessful? Can I do better? Do I have typos?
> 
> I wrote this because of another fic I'm working on. Go check it out when you're done with this. He's probably going to lie about his therapy sessions in that, or not reveal a lot about them because he might consider them to be extremely private, but you will get a peep inside his head. The journal entries about his therapy sessions start on this page/chapter of the fic:
> 
> http://archiveofourown.org/works/878163/chapters/2050261
> 
> I'm not going for accuracy in this fanfiction. I am using whatever I remember from my therapy sessions when I was nine years old and whatever I have learned in psychology classes. My research is ongoing and I will edit this if I feel that it's too inaccurate to what a real therapy session looks like. Also, Rose isn't particularly good at therapy anyway. As smart as she is, I doubt she could do any of the technical stuff therapists are supposed to do. She has not been trained in therapy at all because you have to go to college for that. She does know how to listen and give feedback, so she'll be doing a lot of that.

Mister Vantas shuffled across the opulent rugs of the common room, ragged and grumpy as usual. Instead of the loud and snippy kid she first encountered, in this moment she saw him as quiet and drowsy. Trolls normally slept during this hour, but if he does sleep, it's at a seemingly random time. Rose arranged the furniture in a manner that resembled the typical office of a Freudian counseling psychologist, with the cliche couch and armchair. She perched on the leather seat with her legs crossed.

A bare trace of a smile greeted him. "Lie down. Make yourself comfortable."

The once undoubtedly social leader became a recluse. Rose was pleasantly surprised when Karkat asked for her help through Kanaya. She heard much of him from their mutual friend. She knew it was uncharacteristic of him ask for help with personal issues, although he liked helping others. Perhaps it was boredom that drew him out? There was nothing much to do, that's the main reason why she was doing this. That and her new interest in xenopsychology.

No matter how alien the boy was, he still exhibited remarkably human symptoms of mental dishevelment.

"I can't see you." he said.

"That serves a purpose. I can't be too intimidating, therefore distracting if I'm out of your line of sight, leaving you free to talk and giving the illusion that you are alone. I know it's hard to reveal your inner thoughts at first and this will make it easier to relax. Please do so. You are coiled and twisted like an elastic wound around the fingers of an anxious child."

He drew in a breath, and slowly let it out. Karkat could doze off if he wanted to, even if he was tense.

"What do you want me to do? We did nothing like this on Alternia. We have moirails to mull shit over with, but this is so formal."

"Just talk for now. I'll listen and ask questions. Everything you say is confidential."

Nothing emanated from him but silence and whispering breath. A shock of black hair and rounded horns peeked above the edge of the chaise. He moved as if he was about to sit up, but had second thoughts. Maybe this was also some kind of pale infidelity? He couldn't have those feelings for her. They weren't mutual at all and could not be returned. Just presently, Rose wanted to be regarded as something akin to a lifeless tape recorder. Perhaps she would get more emotionally involved with her patient later.

He would need some prodding. "How do you feel at this moment?"

"Awful. Exhausted for no reason." he mumbled.

She scribbled, "Patient is exhausted" on her notepad. More notes like this will be made during the session.

"Elaborate on your physical sensations." Her voice was very soft and careful. 

The sound of a pen scraping paper apparently bothered him. He brushed his hand against his ear, as if flicking the sound away like a cobweb. "There is this ever-present ache in my neck, gut, and head. My hands burn and tingle when I feel guilty or really sad." 

Rose imagined what it must be like to hurt all the time. It could contribute to how touchy he is. Depression is known to manifest itself in physical pain, at least in humans. More study would be needed to confirm this symptom for trolls. "Why do you feel guilty?"

"I don't want to talk about it." He yawned. A subdued Karkat was much easier to be around. 

"That's fine, but I would like to know more later. What was life like for you on Alternia?"

"Boring."

"Did anything unfortunate ever occur?"

"No, nothing particularly life threatening, if that's what you were looking for."

"How did you spend your hours?"

He sighed, "I stayed indoors most of the time and watched movies. My friends would try to talk to me and I would act as repellent as possible. I was rightfully paranoid, if anyone knew about my mutation, I would've been killed."

She thought about asking more questions about his blood, but decided against it, knowing it was a sore spot. That idea was secured in her metaphorical pocket for later. He went silent again. Rose had to keep him talking. "Did you have any friends at all before the game?"

"Sollux." His voice caught on his name. "He was my first friend and my best friend for a long time."

"What of Gamzee?"

"He was just this randomass annoying kid who liked to bother me. Now that I think about it, he may have been pale for me the whole time. Then there was Kanaya and Terezi and all the bullshit and other people that came with them." He may have been smiling sadly. "Our interaction was limited to online chats and gaming together, so I wasn't as tight with them as they were to everyone else. Then I played Sburb and became friends with everyone, I guess." 

She nodded and wrote. "How was your relationship with your lusus?"

"We had a good one. I didn't have to murder people to feed him at least. He would have protected me if I was threatened."

"Do you miss him?"

"No. He was just a giant crab monster who lived with me."

She sensed a lie. Karkat was quiet again for a moment, then asked, "Can I leave now?" 

"One more question. What is your mood, day to day?"

"Sorrowful and agitated." he snapped, "Fuck you, I'm not going to explain myself further. I'm too tired."

It's interesting how he seemed to curl into himself like this whenever personal feelings came up. Dave did the same thing. They would be fine with talking about surface issues like weird dreams and pain, but when it got down to how they felt, no one was allowed to touch that. She knew Karkat was usually very verbal, but not today. Maybe next week she'll get more out of him. "Alright. We can be finished at any time. Next time I see you, I'll try to diagnose you, although I lack the assessments clients are supposed to take." 

Well, that was brief. They didn't get very far. She thought it was best to go slow with him. He rolled over on the chaise when Rose got up. His back was to her. She walked around the furniture to see that his eyes were closed and thought it best that he stayed there to rest. The boy looked very comfortable.

Without a scowl on his face, he looked fragile and a lot younger. Innocent.


	2. Chapter 2

That day of the week rolled around again. Rose was poised for a new approach. This was supposed to be for information gathering anyway, getting to know the little thundercloud of a boy.

A long, low mahogany table sat between the chair and the couch, occupied by a tea set. Perhaps if she exhibited more hospitality, he would stay a while.

The transportalizer in the middle of the room activated, summoning the patient. Karkat looked far more alert. There was a cautious gleam in his scowling gray eyes. He watched her questioningly as he sat down.

He pointed to the jar of sugar, pile of little paper envelopes, tiny jug of cream, kettle, and cups. "What the fuck is this?"

"Tea." Rose selected a pretty little packet from the pile. She placed it in her cup and filled it with water, then dipped it several times to demonstrate what he was supposed to do with it.

"I know it's tea." Karkat wanted to search through each one, opening and smelling the varieties he was unfamiliar with. So she let him. He picked a variety he didn't open, the kind that smelled like daisies. A good choice for someone so uptight. He dumped fistfulls of sugar into the cup, then sloppily filled it.

"It isn't typical counseling protocol, but an attempt to be more welcoming."

He pulled his legs up onto the chaise and curled up. It might be working.

"How are you?" said Rose.

"I'm alright. Gamzee is cool with this, by the way." He swirled his cup and watched the liquid spin around.

"What is your relationship like?"

"It's great, but I don't have much to tell you. I wish I could see him more." A brief flicker of a smile, just for an instant... he seemed happy to be with him. "Moirallegiance is a great place to start in romance. Often, it's the first quadrant trolls fill."

Rose was genuinely interested, "Really? Why is that?"

"I guess it leads to a more balanced personality that makes you more appealing to potential concupiscent partners. Oh, and you'll get an auspistice last. A black romance or another dangerously passionate relationship needs to exist before auspisticiship is established. Or auspisticing between another pair fills that quadrant."

This was an easy way to open a conversation. Mutual interest, what a good jumping off point. "Do you have your heart set on anyone?"

He swallowed the wrong way and coughed, "That shit's private, Lalonde."

"Don't you consider everything else we're bound to discuss deeply personal?" 

"Why do you care?"

"I'm your therapist."

That familiar awkward silence crept up on them. Rose broke it with, "Karkat, can trolls have depression?"

"Yeah."

She began to write in her notes again. "Ah, the rhinovirus of mental illness, finding no barrier between species." Her neat cursive spelled out:

\- Occasional insomnia  
\- Pain with no apparent cause  
\- Patient is extremely irritable most of the time  
\- Clearly unhappy  
\- Grief (It is difficult to tell the severity of grief)  
\- Abnormally socially withdrawn

What a neat little checklist. Surely, it shouldn't be so simple? Diagnosis was not Rose's area of expertise, although she pretended the whole field of psychology was. Well, she was the last psychologist alive and available. This will have to do. "Does a lack of motivation exist? Have you lost interest in things you love?"

"I have nothing to be motivated for," he shrugged. "I stopped programming because I suck at it." Rose responded by writing another note.

She considered symptoms of anxiety as well. He claimed to have a panic attack after meeting new people at the Green Sun. There was the question if that was real or he was exaggerating milder distress. Speaking of traumatic events, this might be a part of adjustment disorder. One thing was certain; he was a little ball of teenage angst with plenty of issues. "How did you address psychological problems on Alternia?"

"We didn't. It was just a thing that happened that some unfortunate assholes had to deal with by themselves." he replied.

Oh, that can't be good. How would she know how to treat an alien? Well, trolls seemed human enough, especially this one.

Karkat continued, "Unless if they were higher up, then they got help. Drugs and shit. Don't ask me what was in them, I have no idea." Maybe he wanted those pills right now? If only they were available.

"Hm... well, you don't have an official diagnosis yet. Maybe it's just grief and I would be happy to help you through that." She cleared her throat, "So, mister Vantas, would you mind telling me about yourself? That was a standard inquiry I forgot about during our admittedly poorly planned and executed session."

"Do I have to?"

"Do you want me to help you or not?"

He puffed out his cheeks and let out a slow breath, then took a sip of tea. And another. Teacrastination. He didn't know where to start, but not in a self-absorbed way. Rose thought he was nervous.

"Begin with what you are, then move into the 'who'." Her pen was poised to write.

"I'm... a troll?"

"Go on. A troll that... what do you do?"

"I lead a Sgrub session. I was a leader. I'm decent in combat. I am six sweeps old. Uhh..."

"What about your mutation?"

He hissed, "We're not talking about that! That is not a defining personality trait or an activity I'm notorious for! Isn't that shit what you're interested in? Why the fuck would you ask about my blood?"

Oh, what a fascinating response! Stronger than expected! Her pen dashed across the page, jotting down the possibility that this could be a root to his problems.

He nearly slammed his tea down on the arm of the couch, spilling much of it. "What the hell are you writing?"

"Nothing."

"My festering anguish saturated think pan it's 'nothing'! Give me that fucking clip board!" Karkat untucked his legs and began to sit up. 

"No! You will stay put!" She aimed her pen at him as if it was a wand and he froze mid-motion with his legs bent, feet in the air, arms up, like an overturned deceased beetle. Maybe he thought she could use it as a weapon.

Rose raised an eyebrow, nonverbally daring him to get up. He bellowed in frustration and returned to a sitting position. 

"Why do you think you're so reactive?" she said, lowering the pen. 

Karkat pressed his hands to his face and moaned in regret. "I don't know."

It was like trying to touch a wounded animal. She intruded his personal space and poked a sore spot, then he nearly attacked her out of self defense. It might take a while for him to address this issue. Rose tried to comfort him anyway. "Insecurity plagues you, I know. I can assure your safety. There is no risk of persecution here. This may be the safest you have been in your whole life." 

The boy peeked through his fingers. Then his hands slid down his face. He never thought of that. Was he free now? Free for a whole three years and beyond if all goes right? 

"There is no need for concealment or paranoia."

"Wow, Lalonde! I never thought of that! Thank you for guiding me out of the blinding white-hot haze of idiocy!" The curtain of sarcasm dropped down once more. The statement sounded half-serious. He didn't want to look as stupid as he felt.

"Can we return to the topic?" She quickly wrote another note. 

"Fine!" he barked, "I'll tell you who I am! I am the biggest fuckup in Paradox Space! I'm nothing but a loudmouth with no fucking sense of self-control. No one can ever hope to defeat me in the annual meteor-wide asshole race and believe me, I have stiff competition! If I hadn't been such a shitty person, maybe, just fucking MAYBE, all of my friends would still be alive! My blood has robbed me of a proper life or healthy psyche because I did not fight hard enough for one! I am a failure of a leader, a failure of a troll, a failu-" The boy's rant was interrupted by his own spit. He choked and coughed, tiny shoulders shuddered with each sharp spasm. He cleared his airway, caught his breath and made a soft, miserable sound reminiscent of a rain soaked kitten.

Rose frowned. She barely knew him, but knew the boy couldn't be all the things he declared he was. It was obvious to her that he wasn't a bad person, or deserving of the weight and misfortune on his shoulders, or a guilty conscience. She noted:

\- Highly negative self-talk  


"I disagree with you." she said. 

He gave her that rare vulnerable look, studying her face, searching for honesty. 

"Why? I'm a good-for-nothing piece of shit. Garbage."

"I kindly ask you to shut up." She leaned forward and slid a paper and pen over the table, toward him. "I have encountered you a mere handful of times. The only being more elusive than you is your enigmatic clown friend. However few our meetings are, in our interactions I noticed the way you talk about yourself is extremely negative and Kanaya, who has known you for a long time, can attest to that. As a first step toward emotional well-being and self-appreciation, an area you desperately need to work on, I would like you to write down your personally favorable traits."

"What?" he said.

"Things you like about yourself. I wrote something to start you off."

He read a single word written in purple ink, "Smart." That's all it said. 

Rose thought he was. It was such a simple, positive word he might agree on.

Yet, "If I was smart, I wouldn't have done all the moronic shit I did." he protested.

She sighed, "It's a sincere compliment. Please learn to accept them."

From what Kanaya told her about him, at one point in his life, when he projected a bigger ego, he soaked them up like a thirsty sponge. Now they were meaningless to him. The boy didn't touch the pen.

"You can delay making that list as long as you want, but I would like to see it eventually." She changed the course of the conversation, "How is your journaling going?"

"I'm writing every week."

"Does it help?"

He shrugged. "A little. I hate reliving the past, but I feel like I'm stuck in it. Writing it down gets it out of my head."

"Interesting." Note-taking was a part of this, so Karkat accepted it and waited for her to finish writing. 

"Why is that?"

"I feel like I failed people I cared about. It's the worst feeling I have ever known. I can't ever make up for it, so I'm trapped." he sighed.

"What if they forgave you?"

He was quiet. No response.

"Can Kanaya participate in the next session?"

He snapped from cloudy thoughtfulness to attention, "No! Another troll can't be around during this!"

She thought for a moment, "I understand. Asking for help and support from someone other than your moirail could be construed as flirting in your culture. Sorry, that was inappropriate. I'll ask her how she feels about your actions if you won't ask her yourself."

"No, I'll ask her."

She smiled in response. "I take that as a good sign. Now, I have some bad news. We're on our way to a confirmed diagnosis for depression. We'll keep working on treating you for that through more intensive psychotherapy. That means a lot more talking. Even if your ordeal was months ago, you remain stressed. I strongly suggest relaxing activities and perhaps some meditation. Find what soothes you. I see how you think. I can tell you have a busy mind, mister Vantas. Such mental activity can be useful, but it's destroying you and it's time to slow down."

For once he let her tell it as it was without interruption. "Bullshit. I'm fine." he said halfheartedly.

"I hope you can come to the realization you have a problem. You won't get better if you don't." 

The fight had left him with that last outburst. The girl thought his mind might be in another place now. "Can I go back to my room?" 

Rose nodded, "Yes. See you next week or whenever you want to talk. I have far too much free time."

He grumbled something, got to his feet, then vanished in a flash of light on the transportalizer platform.


	3. Chapter 3

The furniture had returned to its original position, so when the boy was about to sit down he protested, "No. We're not doing this again!"

"Why?" Rose said, innocently.

"Because that method doesn't work."

"What's not working for you?"

"I like it when you interact with me, okay?"

"I was under the impression you hated it."

He cringed, "I'm sorry I can't show my affinity appropriately. My fondness for anything is always buried under ten tons of 'fuck this'."

"Take a seat and we'll-"

"Get your snooty, prim ass over here and I will!"

"-converse." She twisted her black lips and rolled her eyes, then dragged the chair so she sat across from him. He plopped into the comforting leather and waited. His gaze was unintentionally intense and expectant.

"Your absence at dinner was noted last week." she said.

"Sometimes I show up, sometimes I don't, like any other evening."

"It was a special occasion." Rose wasn't insulted, just curious.

"Gamzee wasn't there either. In fact, you said he was more elusive than me. Why don't you get on his bulge about it?"

"He has a reason to hide."

"Look, I'm not a party guy. That's all there is to it."

Rose reviewed her notes. Karkat was an extrovert, but he liked alone time. But too much alone time could be bad for him. "I think more socialization would benefit you. We're having another movie night in the main library."

"Nah. Not going."

"We'll view one of your favorites."

That got his attention. "I guess I can bring a copy. I think you'll like it, it's much better than your primitive one-dimensional Earth movies."

"I'm sure it is the paragon of cinema, a prime specimen of the art of your culture. Have you compiled your list?"

He reached into his pocket and retrieved the page, which was now folded and wrinkled. Then he tossed it onto the table to be snatched up. This is what it said:

Smart  
INTELLIGENT  
SHREWD  
CLEVER  
ASTUTE

"Karkat, these are all synonyms for what I inscribed."

He slouched in his seat and kicked his short legs, shuffling his socks on the floor. "So?"

"All you can do is agree with me?"

No answer.

Her brow furrowed. "I don't endorse self-loathing and I'm unsure if this will trigger another fit, but I want you to attempt the opposite. I want you to catalog what you abhor about yourself." She needed to see the root of this problem.

She gave him another piece of paper and her pen. The boy stared at it for a moment, then he wrote a single word. And another. And another. Another, another, another.... the pace quickened, his furious little hand dashing across the paper until-RIIIP! The bottom corner tore under the pressure of the pen. "That's enough." Rose grabbed it before he could add any more.

His handwriting was rough and child-like, but legible. He wrote:

OBNOXIOUS  
STUPID  
UGLY  
PATHETIC  
WEAK  
ARROGANT  
DESPERATE  
USELESS  
REPUGNANT  
GARBAGE  
MUTATED  
CRAZY  
HAM-FISTED IDIOT  
WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT  
I NEVER THINK ANYTHING THROUGH  
HORRIBLE LEADER  
I LET EVERYONE DIE  
YOUR UNIVERSE IS DEAD BECAUSE OF ME MY LUSUS IS DEAD BECAUSE I DIDN'T LISTEN TO MY BEST FRIEND, AND NOW HE'S DEAD TOO! ALL I KNOW HOW TO DO IS YELL AND INSULT PEOPLE WHO TRY TO HELP ME IN FACT THAT'S WHAT I HAVE BEEN DOING TO YOU. I CAN BARELY KEEP MY RELATIONSHIPS IN ORDER, NO ONE GIVES A FUCK ABOUT ME AND I GUESS THEY HAVE DAMN GOOD EXCUS-

"There has to be something you like. No one can hate themselves wholeheartedly" she said, "And they do care about you. I daresay I they like you."

He pouted and glared at her, keeping his guard up. "Stop with the stupid, faux-comforting bullshit! You're not helping!"

"Speaking of people who are fond of you, have you spoken to Kanaya?"

He slapped his forehead, "Fuck! I forgot! Yet another thing that slipped and writhed through my tortured think pan, abandoned to freeze on the cold floor of this psychic-propelled space junk!"

Rose sighed, "I'll tell her to seek you out. You need to hear it from her."

"Alright." he said.

"We return to how much you execrate yourself. Do you think this interferes with your ability to build healthy relationships?"

He nodded, "I guess. I mean, like-" Karkat shifted uncomfortably, "You mean like, black romance?"

"No, everything across the shipping chart and beyond."

"Maybe. I'm too busy beating myself up to really just... I don't know. I need to stop hating myself to hate potential kismesises? And love everyone else fully?"

Rose smiled a little, "Although you could improve your displays of affection, I think you already love them as much as you can."

Comments like that made him too flustered to speak, but he wouldn't show it. She needed to keep the conversation going. "It's very plain to me that you care about your deceased comrades and you're struggling with their loss."

He crossed his arms and didn't meet her eyes.

"When you're ready to talk about that, let me know." Rose said. She changed the topic, "Can you tell me about your dreams?"

Karkat felt comfortable enough to speak again, "What does that have to do with anything?"

"On Earth, the human father of psychiatry believed that dreams expressed desires that are not known consciously to the dreamer. I think they might reveal stressors and guilts in you."

He decided to play along, "I'll start with simple nonsense. Just when I begin to drift off, I feel hands pass over me. Sometimes they run down my arms and catch my hand, only to slip away. I feel like I'm falling."

Rose wrote the dream down. "That's not much, possibly a hypnogogic sensation. Tell me more, please."

"I had a dream where I was trapped in this very room with the bodies of... well, all of us. The trolls you never met and um, you and Dave joined the corpse pile recently. It's recurring. I'm covered in blood and I'm sure that _I_ didn't do anything." 

"That sounds like a classic guilt dream and you are still worried about the welfare of the meteor's inhabitants. Do you have any more dreams you would like to discuss? We might return to this one."

"I guess."

"Go on."

He tensed up. "There's this one that makes me feel really uncomfortable and I don't know if I-"

"At times, that which causes discomfort is the most important item to examine!" interrupted Rose.

"Well," his cheeks reddened, "I had a dream where I was carrying something. I looked down and found that it was a uh... pail."

Kanaya told her about the bucket thing. Rose raised her eyebrows.

"There was a pinchcreature in it." Karkat wrinkled his nose.

"Pinchcreature?" Rose interrupted.

"A squat, edible arthropod with claws."

"Humans call them 'crabs'."

"I know. I dropped it because it's really fucking awkward to carry that around and it's kind of filthy to put crap inside of them. I could hear the crab trying to crawl up the side. I looked into the bucket and found that the pinchcreature had multiplied and its clones were trying to get out. I thought about upturning the pail and freeing them, but they started fighting each other and tearing their limbs off."

"Did anything else happen?"

"No."

"Hmmm..." A smirk took up residence on her lips.

"What are you saying 'Hmmmm' for?"

"I am aware of how your species uses buckets. Your dream might be linked to sexual frustration."

The blush deepened and spread to his ears. "Dear god, Rose! I'm only six sweeps old!"

"You have concupiscent feelings for Terezi, do you not? And you feel she is unobtainable?"

"Shut up!"

"Now Karkat, I'm certain that once a troll reaches puberty these feelings are completely normal." She loved watching him squirm in his seat.

"Stop simpering before I break out the Mop of Impassiveness and forcefully wipe that look off your face!"

A small, two-syllable giggle, then the grin faded. "Yes, enough archaic methodology. In actuality, your dream might represent some kind of internal struggle through the fighting crabs. There is an old expression in our culture, "crab in the bucket" which means, "one who is a downer". Frankly, that might be applied to you. The subconscious loves puns and literalizing the figurative. Have you heard the phrase previously?"

"I think Dave may have called me that, but he put his own odd spin on it."

"Certainly, you have been called 'crabby' before."

"Bitch, if I had one of your human middle names, it would be that."

"I am nearly certain the crabs are you. The violence and the wordplay imply that you loathe yourself and you're trapped in internal conflict, or even external conflict with your timeline doppelgangers. Your chat client allows for time travel. Have you fought with past and future selves?"

He mumbled, "More than I care to admit."

"May I see your records of this temporal harassment?"

"They're awful and I deleted most of them. I know past me was cruel to... other past mes. But that's over now."

"Verbally and externally it is. Internally, you are both the roiling sea and the tempest. Don't deny it, I see it."

"With your Seer powers?"

"The most senseless of humans could see it. We need to find a way to quiet the storm in your mind."

"Or clean up the shit and glass." Karkat muttered.

"Excuse me?" 

"Vriska once said that looking through my brain was like digging through a dumpster full of broken glass, razorblades, and poop." 

Rose said, "It's not like that."

"It isn't pleasant." 

Back on track, "Do you have anymore dreams I should know about?"

"I don't dream vividly often. I have had a few where I'm walking and I'm struck by something big and heavy and it causes me to wake up. I don't sleep a lot because of dreams like this, rather than the stress I felt during my session."

Rose made more notes about his insomnia. "If only I could prescribe a sleep aid. Is there a particular plant that helped trolls sleep?"

He shrugged. "I don't know. There are organic components in sopor and I wouldn't eat them."

"Try to sleep more. Insomnia can lead to or exacerbate depression. You are nocturnal, so would turning all the lights on in your room help?" 

"There is this dim overhead light I keep on because why the fuck not? I'm awake anyway. I'll keep it on... maybe add more light?"

Rose changed the subject again, "That dream you told me about has an air of guilt about it and you feel responsible for the death of your friends... I think we've said enough about this for now. We will talk about it eventually and I'm afraid I put the thorn of agitation in your side. Please talk to Kanaya and tell me about it the next time you see me."

"Right." He sat up straight. "Yeah, I have had enough for today." 

Karkat strode toward the transportalizer and before he stepped on it he turned around and said, "Thank you for your time, Rose."

"My pleasure." Rose said.


	4. Chapter 4

Next Monday, Karkat found a well-knit scarf where he usually sat. "Is that yours?"

"No, it's for you." She spun it herself with new needles last week. 

The kid acted like he never received a present before. He picked it up as if he was trying to not frighten it. He unfurled it to find it was patterned with large quadrant symbols in a neat row along the length of it. The scarf was light gray, and fringed at the end with black, dark gray, pink, and red.

"Why the hell would I need a scarf right now?" His hands kept skimming over it, looking for flaws, pleased that he found none. He put it behind his neck and over his shoulders. 

"I'm sure when this trip has reached its end, everyone will have a plethora of woolen neck wear, superfluous cozies, ironically crafted sweaters, and hats." 

She could see him thinking. He asked, "Why are you nice to me? Why does everyone show me nothing but kindness or indifference when I'm such a bastard to everyone?'"

"Your friends love you, that's why. No matter how deeply you conceal it, they know the feeling is mutual. We've been over this. Are you unaware of your own charisma? I'm nice to you because you are capable of emotional reciprocity. Your homeworld hated you, did it not? So you hated it and everyone in it right back."

"I didn't necessarily hate it. I was... angry at it. Angry and afraid, I guess."

"I don't want your unpleasantness to be directed at me and you could use a little appreciation, so I'm nice to you, as long as you are civil in return."

"Appreciation. Damn right!" Karkat sat a little straighter. It was as if his damaged ego supported his spine. A small repair had been made. 

"I think I have spent enough time gathering information from you. Honestly, we haven't gotten to the hard parts and actual treatment."

He slumped. 

"Let us begin with an innocuous subject. Have you spoken with Kanaya?"

"Yes."

"What did she say?"

"She said she forgives me for my mistakes or 'accidents', as she put it. She also said that my self-image could be improved or restored."

"Restored?" Rose asks. 

"Yeah. I don't know what she's talking about. I don't recall being happy with myself. Ever. Do you know that feels, Rose? Or is that shield of shit-eating smugness too thick?"

"No, but-"

Karkat cuts her off, "That was rhetorical! I did think I was more capable in the past, but let's be honest, I was delusional. I've had moments of achievement, then fate cruelly ripped that away and told me to go fuck myself. Anyway, Kanaya closed the discussion with an overture of friendship and platonic affection, but not of the kind that belongs in a quadrant. She wants me to be happy." 

"Does that stir any emotions?"

"I don't deserve it."

"What is 'it', exactly? Her friendship? Happiness?"

Silence.

"Hm..." She wrote something. She wrote a lot of somethings after the sessions ended, because he would see her writing and act suspicious and untrusting. Yet she jotted down a quick note to be elaborated on further. 

"Arent you going to say anything else about that?"

"I see you have rescinded your wish for my quiet analysis." She knew he wanted help. "Everyone deserves a companion and love, what makes you believe that does not apply to you?" Rose inferred. 

"What good am I to anyone? Do I even have a purpose?"

"Certainly. Everything has a place and meaning." 

"If you know so much, tell me what it is."

"I'm afraid I can't do that because it's not in the realm of my knowledge. If it makes you feel better, I don't know Dave's 'true' purpose, or mine, or anyone else's for that matter. I may one day, but it's too distant to see clearly."

"See? How do I know what you just said isn't bullshit?"

Rose wanted to tell him he was frustrating, but Karkat didn't need to hear more negativity from anyone. He heard enough from himself. "Instead of arguing about statements I cannot prove, we must move on." 

The girl couldn't honestly say she knew how to treat anybody, especially an alien, but she was going to try. All of the long afternoons spent learning from books and the internet must pay off. "We've already done basic cognitive and talk therapy. We will be doing both today. A hybrid of the two is effective in humans. You place your negative schema in the open. You're paranoid and overprotective of yourself even though those behaviors have outgrown their use. Your walls should be removed brick by anxious brick. First, we need to have a conversation about recent events that have left you wounded."

He scowled, crossed his arms, and slouched, appearing oddly immovable. 

Rose said, "I know you don't like talking about it, but you have to. I have a skeletal narrative from Kanaya, so I know how it unfolded."

Karkat tensed up, and sat straighter, still stubborn. The hermit crab was tucked safely away inside his shell. "I don't want to talk. Can I leave?"

"Any other day, yes, but not now. You have to face this. Please start at the beginning."

He leaned forward and covered his face with his hands. They slid down to his mouth then dropped to his lap, his eyes were fixed on the edge of the table. "It started when most of us left this room. I got distracted and I didn't keep track of everyone because I was too busy preventing Jade and John from causing inevitable shitstorm."

"Yes. Go on. I will be writing this down." Rose kept a neutral face and attentive ears.

Karkat shifted in his seat. "Can't we do another stupid exercise, like we did last time?"

"No. Not until you tell me more about your experience."

He squirmed as if something unpleasant touched him. "Okay... okay." Karkat took a deep breath and continued, "Kanaya said she was taking the matriorb to the heart of the meteor, as some kind of final effort to save our species. She was about to leave with it and then Eridan made an overdramatic, pompous entrance and he started a fight with Sollux. He wanted to join Jack, and he was willing to kill anyone who didn't join in his traitorous escapades."

So far, he was talking smoothly

"I couldn't even tell John what happened..."

"Do you want to talk about how we can change your attitudes toward yourself instead?" Rose suggested.

"I'm too distracted now."

Good. Everything should follow accordingly. "Well, continue your story."

"You know, I haven't even written it down yet."

"You should. Continue, please."

As if he walking toward something that could hurt him, avoiding its sting, he did. "He blinded Sollux with his 'wwhite science'. Then Feferi retaliated and he murdered her. That fucker turned his fakeass magic on Kanaya and the matriorb-" a hitch in his voice, "and I just stood there, a stunned and slack-jawed moron."

Karkat's brow was low and tense. He leaned against the arm of the couch and stared at the wall behind Rose. His palm supported his cheek, pinning half of his mouth beneath it. He didn't want to talk, but it looked like he was thinking about what to say.

"Gamzee messaged me. He snapped and went on a rampage. He said he was going to kill all of us. And then I tried to warn everybody, yet no one took me seriously because of past-me's awful self conduct. I remember threatening Eridan... wow, you know what? I'm not mad at him anymore."

"So you don't begrudge him for killing your friends?"

"No. I should be mad, but I'm not. I actually miss that bastard. Kanaya is still alive anyway."

"Is it because you can't bring yourself to be angry because you're so emotionally low? Is it like that?"

Karkat paused for a moment, "I guess."

"Do you still feel sad and irritable?"

"Oh, should I make my behavior more obvious?!"

"Hm. Alright, carry on with the narrative."

"I tried to let John know we were in trouble and I didn't hear back from him until much later. I tried to revive Kanaya and Feferi, but Jack already killed our dreamselves. I knew they were gone. You know, after a while? I thought Kanaya's dreamself would fly to the meteor and find me at first, but I gave up hope. I didn't expect her to live again." Karkat sniffed and rubbed his eyes. "Or undie. Whatever."

The boy continued, "And then I sent Equius to kill Gamzee." He paused, expression changing and settling back into a distraught scowl, "Oh god, I sent him to his death. And Nepeta. I think she-" A translucent red drop streaked his cheek and he wiped it away, "tried to avenge him and Gamzee beat her." 

Rose didn't understand how he could be friends with Gamzee. They were closer than friends, they were moirails. Suddenly, their relationship suddenly looked more like an obligation rather than love.

"It's my fault. I shouldn't have told anyone to go look for him. I shouldn't have let-" Karkat's lips trembled and he wiped his eyes again, "As their leader, I am responsible for their deaths! If everyone stayed the fuck together and focused on helping you, none of this would've happened!"

"But Karkat, if you never-"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU TENTACLE FONDLING DIPSHIT!"

Rose tried not to laugh, and made a little "Pfff" sound, followed by a stifled giggle.

"WHY DO YOU THINK WHAT I JUST SAID WAS FUNNY??"

Rose laughed 

She said, "I know you don't mean what you say. You're too kind, but not so much that you care to withold the cascade of insincere barbs with which you shield yourself. Like I said before, your failures have set our course. If you didn't fail, you would doom the timeline and then more of us would meet our demise, and another you would have failed in the correct timeline. It's best to make peace with it and move on."

"I can't." He murmured. Kakat was quiet for a long time. He went limp against the couch and stared past Rose. His eyes were wet. When they finally spilled over he hid his face.

The box of tissues landed on the table in front of him. He peeked above his sleeve and then grabbed them, drying his face and staining the tissue red, but the tears didn't stop. 

Rose didn't judge him for crying. She surreptitiously wrote on her note pad, and took it with her to take a seat next to her patient. 

The pile of tightly wadded tissues increased, and so did the sobbing and unintelligible verbal self-flagellation. "Iamanuglyf-fuckup. WhydoIstillhaveFRIENDS? If I d-didn't- DON'T TOUCH ME!"

Rose placed a comforting hand on his back. She was sitting too close. He scrunched his whole body up and pressed into the arm of the chaise as if he was trying to melt through it, to get away from her. "GO AWAY!"

"No, we need to keep talking." She rummaged for a change of subject, "Hey, you don't self-harm, do you? Other than inwardly pummeling yourself?"

"Fuck no! Why would I do that? I don't want to bleed, I'm going to see it, everyone is going to see it!"

She didn't ask about cutting specifically, despite his concealing long sleeves. "Your mutation. It's the very root of your insecurity, isn't it? All this pain. You are different and that bothers y-" "SHUT UP!" Rose didn't know what to say, and just tried to comfort him, "Karkat, it's o-" "SHUTUPSHUTUP! SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP!" The tears didn't stop. Rose anticipated this and decided to wait it out. His sobs filled what would have been silence. 

One minute turned into ten. Then half an hour. Karkat sat limply, gasping and scowling, not bothering to wipe his face anymore. He didn't care that snot was running into his mouth, or that his skin was red from all the wiping and salty tears. He stopped staring at one of the computers and his eyes fell on the clipboard.

Karkat grabbed it. "What kind of purple shitscribble is this?" 

"Uh, that's-"

"Hold the fuck up!" He got to his feet and stepped away from Rose as he pawed through the notepad. Rose tried to get around the couch, but he kept moving. He was muttering, "Such bullshit, she doesn't understand... WHAT THE BULGE STABBING SHIT??"

She froze. Rose didn't write anything particularly scandalous, so maybe he misunderstood something.

"YOU WERE GOING TO SHOCK ME? WITH ACTUAL ELECTRICITY?"

"Karkat, it isn't as brutal as you think it is! It is a legitimate treatment for depression and since we don't have pharmaceuticals and we don't know what works for your species-"

"I'M NOT YOUR GODDAMN SCIENCE EXPERIMENT, LALONDE!" 

Rose cringed, "It would've been consensual..."

"Consensual my ass! I wouldn't put it past you! I'm reading all of this and I think you don't actually fucking care! You couldn't keep your busybody sniffnode out of my thinkpan!"

She took a few moments for caution, but was interrupted. Karkat asked, "What? Do you have a fucking excuse for this?"

"I don't have one. I'm sorry. Can we sit down and discuss this?"

Karkat shouted sharply, "No! This is the imbibement tube that broke the bump beast's back! Fuck off, Lalonde. I'm done! I don't need your fucking help!"

Karkat chucked the clipboard to his therapist's feet. He briskly walked toward the transportalizer.

"No, you clearly do. Please come back! I'm sorry." 

"I SAID FUCK OFF!" He didn't turn to look at her. He stepped onto that silver circle and dissapeared.

***

Another week passed. Karkat never came back and they didn't speak nor see each other. Weeks became a month and a half until she awkwardly bumped into him at one of the libraries. During their sessions, Rose learned a great deal. She learned trolls are somewhat solitary creatures. They are independent and tough. Yet, Karkat wasn't like that. Isolated by his mutation and current grief and guilt, in spite of his moirallegiance and friendships, his life was needlessly lonely. He retreated into his shell and it would take a lot of work to coax him out, a task Rose could not accomplish.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I kind of rushed the end of it and published this chapter prematurely. I will be editing if everyone else feels like it was rushed or if anyone has any other better ideas. 
> 
> Well, that's it! I will finally return to writing Capslocked Soliloquy soon, as well as my other fics. Sorry this took so long.


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